someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
