I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
