Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
