We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
