He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
