I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
