Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
