life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
zippers are such a cool invention
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
