dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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