the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
