Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I won't apologize to a one balled man
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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