U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
