My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
