I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Randomize
