Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
