we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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