checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
