I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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