I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
