On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
