So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
