i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
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He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
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I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
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