So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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