When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
