i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
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He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
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I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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