Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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