Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
