I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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