I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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