I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
My hand turned me down
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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