I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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