I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
