You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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