Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
