I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
