haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Randomize
