i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
