just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
