I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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