I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I looked at my own cervix.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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