Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
