So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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