i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
