i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
