final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
