So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
