god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
i out mim tonsoeep
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