It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
