Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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