i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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