Plan B is the new Plan A
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
