i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
