Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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