You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
