I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
